sadness flies on the wings of the morning
The biggest complaint HBB would have about me is that I was not able to discuss my feelings with her. I could always tell her what I was thinking, but never what I was feeling. I didn’t trust her to relate to my emotions. I didn’t trust what she would do with them after I told her. I tried. But even when I tried, it wouldn’t seem sincere. I would get a knot in my stomach. I felt like I was doing something I wasn’t supposed to do. I realized then that I was trying to do the right thing with the wrong person…
With Jay, we would sit and talk for hours. We would even wait up in the middle of the night to talk. It would be quiet, intimate. We would share secrets while the world slept. I had conveniently forgotten what I was capable of sharing. HBB had me feeling like I was emotionally inadequate.
When we broke up, I remembered how I used to be. I was ready to be open again. I met Den and I immediately felt comfortable with her. I promised her that she would never question how I felt about her. Though I was making promises to the wrong person, I felt good that I could even make a promise like that. I felt validated.
I carried this reclaimed openness into my relationship with the Baby, but I don’t know if she can handle it.
Yesterday, sipoftea left me a comment, “Wow, just three weeks?! Sure you’re mad excited but playing it cool for us ehn?” It was the first time I actually acknowleged how I felt about things moving so quickly. This is the first time I will be completely relying on someone else for my well being. In this situation, I can’t help but to think I’m relying on a kid. This is her first apartment she’s gotten on her own. She is used to having her mother around to help her pick places, to co-sign. She doesn’t know the difference between heating with electric or gas. I’m scared. I’m leaning on someone that doesn’t know what they are doing.
I’m overreacting. I know. It’s not that serious, but I need some reassurance and I’m not getting it.
Since she’s been in VA, we haven’t really talked. Maybe 30 minutes of conversation in the last two days. She sounded so blah last night, I questioned how she was feeling. She insisted there was nothing going on with her.
I’m sure that I’m projecting…
This morning I get a text from her asking what bills I have and if she was responsible for paying them. It was a far cry from her normal “I love you, I miss you” text.
It upset me.
My text to her: Baby are you having second thoughts? Is all of this scaring you?
Her: No, I just wanna plan. i wanna know how its gonna be? I can’t discuss things with you without you thinkin somethings wrong?
Me: I feel like you haven’t had much to say to me since you’ve been back, like you’re stepping back from me. If you’ve changed your mind, its ok. Just tell me.
Her: Babe this is bs, everytime I talk to you its about getting you here and getting things set up, i don’t know where or why you’re always putting words in my mouth. I’m workin babe. This kind of stuff pisses me off but I don’t want to take it there
Me: Be mad if you want to be, I’m just telling you how I feel. I’ll keep my feelings to myself
Her: You don’t have to keep your feelns to yourself but I don’t understand how you can come up with those conclustions
Me: I am completely relying on you for this move. I’m not used to that. At any point, you can change your mind and that scares me. I’ve been sitting and waiting and I don’t want to get stuck. Now that its getting closer, you have less to say and it makes me feel so insecure.
My phone rings and its her on the other end. She’s crying. She says that I’ve gotten her upset, people are asking what’s wrong with her, including her sergeant. She said she had to step outside to get herself together. She tells me she’s hurt because she feels like I don’t trust her. All I can do is apologize. She told me it wasn’t going to be that easy. We get off the phone.
I feel bad. I know that I must’ve handled this the wrong way though I’m not sure what I did. There is a part of me that wants to retreat and keep my feelings to myself to protect her from me. She’s so sensitive…I feel like shit…
don’t feel like shit. this was inevitable. i haven’t blogged much about how my gf left her husband (ok, techically he left her first) but thats a whole other story…from NY and moved to VA with me.
she left everything behind and had to depend on my for everything. not to mention she has 3 girls. she came with some money, i mean she had her tax return and monies from work. but that ran out.
she expressed to me numerous times how much she hated depending on me. and all i could do was reassure her that i love her and its us, not her and me.
to me, it was no problem, to have her there with me was all i could ask for. she was scrambling to get a job…took 5 months! she was so down on herself for so long and there wasnt much I could do.
when we went out, i thought it would make her feel better, but it actually made her feel worse because i paid for it all.
she came here with no job, no family in the area, nothing. that IS scary. so your feelings are valid. the baby may just be trying to access the full financial picture. if you have bills, it just means she may need to make some adjustments to help you pay for your bills. her intentions are honorable and i hope that if she is thinking something else she can share with you.
if you are going to be cohabitating, then put it all out there…if you have bills, whatever, be transparent and yes, there should be a plan to make sure that bills are paid. there is nothing worse than being broke and mad at each other.
so talk about it, you tell her how you feel and let her tell you and believe it.
this is a big trust thing, you are letting go and falling into her hands and praying she will catch you and hold you as long as it takes for you to stand on your own two feet (that is get a job, learn your way around, get comfortable, etc…). but this has to occur in order to move the next level in your relationship.
okay, i have said enough…i am returning to the cublical from wence i came…lol
Taking that next step in any relationship is difficult, and people deal with it in different ways. She is probably just in an analytical state of mind right now. She knows you are relying on her and this is how she deals with that… shutting down a bit.
Don’t put up a wall. Walls will only make things worse. Keep and open mind and try to put yourself in her shoes when she is angry. Seeing things from a different view always puts my thought process straight.
the Boyfriend and I have lived together for almost 3 years, with his mom, with roommates, and now just ourselves. There is an adjustment period before and after when everything is going to come to a head.
Just be patient and understanding.
I think the questions she is asking should be asked. That is the mature way to get through something that is new and frightening for you both. If you don’t discuss all the details beforehand, there will be resentment that will break up the relationship later. And perhaps if you both know everything that you are in for, you two will decide to do it differently. Perhaps you will send out resumes and look for a job before moving there. Perhaps you will both come up with the exact same solution. It is a big change for both of you.
I moved to a different country to be with my girlfriend. The feeling of being separated from friends and family, the feeling of being dependent on one person for almost everything is overwhelming. And for the other person, the feeling of having someone not only living with you but totally dependent on you is a heavy burden. Some people aren’t able to work it out. Primarily because neither understands what they will have to do and sacrifice in order to make it work for both. Might I suggest that you two talk about all of this before you move. If you don’t, the blame that ‘might’ happen later will be a bit unfair.
Talk about bills, friends, privacy, time alone, if you don’t get a job right away, need to do things separate sometimes, etc. I want you two to work it out and have a the best relationship possible.
I think about the conversation and the situation that you are in, and I get all nervous for you.
I understand your point of view, I’d be the same way.
You’re about to take a big step whenever you move. Another thing is “change” it’s one of the hardest things for us as humans to adapt to. Right now, I think she is a bit overwhelmed….both of you. Pardon my intrusion, but I was a bit surprised at the fact that she cried over the issue. I hope that there is nothing else she was crying over. *Sigh* There’s alot I can say just to give you advice, but I don’t know you, only via blogging. I can only stay within my lines and tell you both to try
hugs …
@tami and steadycat- Yes she is asking the right questions, but you know the feelings behind things can be lost through text. It’s probably a convo we should’ve had long before now…
@knockout- This will be my 3rd uhaul! I should be a pro at this by now! The circumstances are just so different…
@Monica- Thank you for understanding.
@AJ- This isn’t the first time I’ve said something that made her cry. That’s why I said that I may have to hold back a little. If I don’t, she’ll probably end up crying all of the time. And I’ll always end up feeling guilty…
@Ulla- Thanks, hon!
To Everyone, we’ve talked. She told me I was trippin. I told her what my bills were. She said I’m driving her crazy. I told her she was already crazy. We both agreed that we needed to have time outs before reacting to each other.
To make things even more complicated, PK will have to live with us so they don’t get caught…And they are at the courthouse now…
These comments have actually helped me lol.
There was a time when I contemplated moving in with my girlfriend, except our feelings were inverted. I was the one who became analytical and gave seemingly sharp responses. She was her usual loving self. And like Tami, she reassured me that taking care of me would be just another breath she’d take like any other.
Talking about finances can be uncomfortable in new relationships, especially when one party might be feeling they are a burden and have to rely solely on the other person. She is most probably thinking of her role in this, taking some emotion out and being practical so that she can do her absolute best by you. She may have been upset because she’s trying so hard and felt like she didn’t have your full support and trust. That would make me unravel inside too.
Trust her in the way she loves you. Continue bringing that balance you have together to the table… Make it happen.
I started commenting when there were two comments, lol. And now I’m late, hahaha. I’m so glad you all smoothed that one over. Hope you can overcome this next one…
@sipoftea- While I was in the middle of responding back, I got AJ and Ulla’s comments. Seems like everyone decided to visit at the same time.
I’m glad you got something out of this little situation. It does seem like we’re good at smoothing things over.
It’ll definitely be interesting to see what the future holds…
Wow, I’ve come late to the show, but I’m glad you guys worked it out. This shows you’ll be able to work things out when you begin to live together. But definitely walk about these things upfront, so you won’t feel so overwhelmed. This is a lot for both of you to be going through in such a short period of time.
If I was where you are, I’d give you big hug.
@Deepdiva- It is a lot and I know there is more to come…I think we’ll get
through it though…
such a freaky story, all in all … you’re going thru a lot … more hugs
I don’t think you’re wrong for your feelings. Everyone has a right to their feelings anyway. For you to be taking that next step in the relationship and also moving to a whole other state that’s really huge. So again your feelings are totally normal. It’s good that you did ask her those questions. I think you two both should be very open with each other about the whole situation. You also should respect each others feelings. At the same time I think her feelings of feeling that you don’t trust her is normal as well. We all want our mates to be able to trust us. At the same time sometimes we just need to be reassured that things are the same and that everything is ok. I think you two will be fine though as long as you are open and honest with one another about how you feel.
So what’s going on with the courthouse situation? Whose PK since I’m relatively new here? And you’re not trippin, just being honest. This is a major step for both of you.
@ladybug- I’ll invite you to take a little peek at the new readers guide at the top of the page
Thanks for the correction on my url Alix! I am clearly not as tech savvy as I thought.
Anytime, Sip!