You can't hurry love
My longest and most comfortable relationship developed from a friendship. We had attended the same high school, even sat next to each other in a few classes. I believe part of the reason our friendship worked was because we knew each other in a non-romantic way. When we started to date, it was easy. We knew the same people, we had similar experiences, we even lived around the corner from one another. This relationship lasted for five years, we had been engaged after three years…And this relationship was with a man. It shouldn’t come as a surprise when I say the bulk of my heterosexual dating experience is related to this one man.
I am in a position now where I’m single and processing the mistakes I’ve made in past relationships hoping that I won’t make those same mistakes again.
Go slow…Are the words that are constantly being whispered in my ear (and typed in the comment section of my blog), but I can’t figure out how to do that.
Go slow to me means developing a friendship first. Like I did with the guy. But I don’t form friendships with girls I like in a romantic way. Something about that seems wrong. Once I put someone into a friendship box, generally, that’s where they stay. I don’t dip back into the box and relocate them later.
And what if by going slow, you send the wrong signs? I have stopped talking to women because I thought their slowness equaled disinterest. If she’s saying, “I don’t know what you’ve done to me, but I can’t stop thinking about you,” how do you respond without encouraging more of the same behavior?
I’ve learned how to wait for sexual intimacy, but how do you slow down mental intimacy? Is that conducive to building a relationship?
Ugh, that mental connectivity and pull can be so stroong!
That’s what I’m saying!
My rule is to just go with the flow. But some of the best relationships start out as friendships at first….some, not all.
mental and emotional connections are the strongest. i think this is why women tend to build very strong bonds. personally, if there is no mental or emotional intimacy, I can not achieve the big O during sex. just not possible for me…hence why casual encounters was never my cup of tea.
Exactly Tami, exactly. It’s the same for me. I feel like that person has to get into my head, so to speak.
I wish I could say something helpful, but what I’ve learned, from dating men and women is that being friends first is very important. Being friends first means that
1. you get to learn about each other without the pressure of a romantic relationship.
2. You get to see if you even LIKE the other person
3. You learn to be non-judgmental
4. You have a stronger basis for a relationship
I wouldn’t necessarily say that going slow is the same as growing a friendship, to me, it just means that you take the time to get to know and like each other, first. And you are right, it is hard to tamp down romantic feelings when you are “being friends” but if the feelings are real, they’ll stick around. You just gotta stop putting folks into boxes. (or allow them to box-jump)
@AJ- Do you see where going with the flow has gotten me?
@Tami- I can have casual sex with no problem. I can seperate emotions and sex. It’s getting wrapped up in the emotional stuff that sends my life on a spiral
@Sip- It’s better with emotions, but not necessary for me. Anyway, my newest thing is celibacy between relationships…
@Monica- I get what you’re saying, but I don’t know how to do that. Friends know each other in a way a potential lover won’t. There is this ease of communication, lack of pressure, that doesn’t exist when people feel romantic…
My relationship started as a friendship only because I wasn’t looking for a relationship. Ala Debra Cox, You’re not supposed to be here. I think it was kind of cool how it developed gradually.
Yea go with the flow, but tell me if your instincts didn’t tell you something wasn’t right with that Baby chick before you even went to VA? Anyways, I’m too sad today. Blog you tomorrow.
Because I can never get girls, I’ve become an expert on both friendship and mental intimacy, and I can assure you they are not only not mutually exclusive, but for me, anyway, they’re one and the same.
There can be plenty of mental intimacy without becoming sexual — though I have to admit I often wish it DID become sexual, but haven’t been given that option.
So really, I might not know what I’m talking about!
@Tamara- You gotta love it when it happens like that!
@AJ- I had concerns when my trip there went so bad. I like to pay attention to signs and my gut told me to stay in Atlanta when I missed my train. My concern with her was about her inexperience with relationships.
@Mermaid- You’re a pro at mental intimacy period. I’m not saying you can’t have mental intimacy without becoming sexual, it’s just a different kind of intimacy
It’s a very different kind of intimacy, but they compliment each other beautifully!
Alix,
The best relationship I ever had started out as a friendship. I wasn’t even attracted to this person and then one day I was like wow she’s kinda cute. It just developed from there. Sometimes when the relationship is romantic from the start I find that I’m blind to certain signals that things might not work out. Starting as friends allows me to be more rational and see more clearly.
Hmmmmm. I’m like Tami I absolutely can’t do the casual stuff either because it’ll just be a waste of time. I have to have a connection mentally and emotionally in order to even enjoy the sex. If I don’t my mind will be else where. I think you need to take the time to get to know each other and learn each others ways. Learn what you both do and don’t like. I also like to go with the flow too. So just let nature take it’s course but, also keep in mind tha you still have some control.
@Mermaid- I’m sure they do, but how to do I get that?
@Monie- Romance definitely does blind you. I’ve only tried dating a friend once, and she completely changed once we started dating. It was like she had a friend version of herself and a girlfriend version of herself…
@Glennisha- Learning! I’ll do what I can!
Not without releasing a lot of fear and lack of trust! We guard ourselves for reasons — usually good ones — and it serves its purpose, but also limits us.
You must’ve read the newest post first, you little stinker!
NO! Just that psychic mother shit!
I can have a casual thing, but the best relationships I’ve had are ones that had some type of friendship first aspect. I can’t see myself falling for someone I didn’t have some kind of connection with. It’s the slow burn theory. Let me tell you, Lebron and I knew each other for four years before becoming a couple. It’s helped our relationship for the better.
BTW, I know you can’t wait that long
but at least try to slow it down a little. How long do you really think you can go without the relationship (or the sex)?
@Deepdiva- Considering the mileage between us, slowing down the sex isn’t a problem, lol. Knowing that I don’t connect with everyone, I do get caught up when I find someone I connect with…
This go round, my eyes are open a little wider, I’m (unfortunately) more cynical, and a little scared, so no matter what she says to me or the words that come out of her mouth, my attitude is a little less optimistic which is will make me that more cautious…