My first real boyfriend said something to me once, something that he learned from his father about relationships. He said never to start doing something for someone that you didn’t intend to keep doing.
Makes sense right? If you display certain behaviors during your courtship, it makes sense that someone would expect those same behaviors to continue through the course of your relationship.
It make sense, but how often do we forget that? I know I’ve forgotten over and over again. We have to keep doing the things we did to get our lover to keep them as our lover.
Realistically, we aren’t made to have 5 hour phone conversations in the middle of the night, every single night. Staying in touch 24/7 is impossible. The amount of energy that is required to sustain a honeymoonlike courtship would leave superman drained…
But…
Your courtship is the foundation of your relationship. If your foundation was cemented with daily conversation, weekly movie nights, flowers once a month- whatever it was that bonded you, then if you take away any of those things, your foundation will crumble.
How do you maintain when life gets in the way? For me, I think it’s less about the actual acts and more about the effort it takes to exhibit those acts. If a daily conversation is a 5 minute recap of the day a few days over the course of the week, the good intention was still there. If that movie night, turns into 30 minute sitcom night, there was still quality time spent. If those flowers turn into a single flower picked from a neighbor’s garden, the thought was still there…
Am I making sense?
That it does
But we can’t forget that we all grow and change over time. Hopefully the new stuff is just as appealing as the old
.-= Tina-cious.com´s last blog ..psst… guess what? =-.
agreed…
Yes, of course you’re making sense! The first thing that came to my mind while reading was the most extreme case I’ve seen — that of my step-father courting my mother, 5 years after my father died — her only legitimate suitor. I was back in town at the time, managing a shoe store and living with my mother, so I saw it all. She fell for him, as did I, it all seemed so perfect, and he adored me, too (more so, as it turned out, than he did his own daughters).
They got engaged, and everyone was delighted. He was smart, funny, liked to have a good time, and she even got him to enjoy jogging. There was just one red flag, right before they got married, but it was such a huge one, she should have run. He said he wouldn’t marry her unless she stopped going to therapy! Obviously that’s some sick selfish paranoid shit, but in her case it was much more, as my mother had been an hysterical maniac my whole life, and therapy had given her her life back, made her sane.
Anyway, she stopped therapy and they got married. Almost to the day of their wedding he became an entirely different person, the most unbelievably selfish person I’ve ever met. It was horrifying!
Alright, I know I’ve gotten a little off point here, but I’m just saying that the extreme version of what you’re saying is there are those for whom courtship is no more than a trick!
But after I processed that, it left me remembering how absolutely steadfast a lover I am, forever and ever, and what a damn waste that’s been these last 15 years or so, years that have left me more than hesitant about the whole damn mess!
He sounds a little nutty!
Fortunately, her died before she did, but not before nearly taking her out with him!
You are making perfect sense…you know I know. I wish I had some sort of grasp on the whole courting issue and what comes after. How to adjust to changes, etc, etc? I’ve been wondering about this so much. I will say thanks though, because you’ve inspired me to continue this wondering into my blog. lol. And like the Flying Mermaid mentioned…what if it’s an act??
.-= Dani A´s last blog ..Sweet Dreams =-.
People can only pretend to be something they aren’t for so long…
If it doesn’t flow, let it go. <<That's my motto.
You maintain by doing just what you suggested. There comes a time in every relationship when we care less about the amount of money being spent on us and more about the time and effort that went into doing whatever it is that’s being done out of love. Relationships change as relationships grow and we ebb and flow to meet the demands of those changes. Some are less intense than others, but as long as the relationship flows and we learn to grow from the non-stop change, we flourish, love prospers. We have to grow with whatever changes come our way. Learn to handle whatever hurdles life throws at the both of us, together. I’m rambling… but really, I understand exactly what you’re saying.
I think if we’re honest, and open, and work together, nothing is impossible within our relationships.
.-= Knowledge´s last blog ..How To Find And Approach A Stud =-.
I think that courtship is all about proving to someone that you love them. Random acts of romance and kindness are in overdrive, mainly because we are trying to acquire trust from our potential mates. I think once trust is established, then you don’t have to cake your mates with those things that you did to get them. I think there are definitely aspects and instruments from our courtships that should be a reoccurring, but I don’t think they are needed as much as they were needed before we knew our mates, if that makes sense.
I think that courtship is all about proving to someone that you love them. Random acts of romance and kindness are in overdrive, mainly because we are trying to acquire trust from our potential mates. I think once trust is established, then you don’t have to cake your mates with those things that you did to get them. I think there are definitely aspects and instruments from our courtships that should be a reoccurring, but I don’t think they are needed as much as they were needed before we knew our mates, if that makes sense.
.-= Cherina´s last blog ..Fear Itself =-.
“He said never to start doing something for someone that you didn’t intend to keep doing.”
This is the truest statement EVER! I wish more people would put this into practice!
.-= Michelle´s last blog ..Freebie Friday (A little late) =-.