Cleaning Out The Closet
From the moment I kissed a girl, I never feared showing her affection in public. I never went through the phase of trying to figure out how to label my sexuality. I kissed a girl and I liked it…I’m sorry, I couldn’t help myself…But anyway, it felt so right and so natural, that I knew I was gay. Bisexuality never crossed my mind.
Now it’s easy for me to brag about how I was so open in public with my girlfriend. I lived 300 plus miles away from my family. I didn’t have any judgemental eyes questioning my actions. I was free to be me.
When I visited my hometown, I’d bring girls home. All of them were boyish, cause yall know that’s how I like ‘em. It took a long time for anyone to ask me anything about the nature of my “friendships.” When the question came up, I answered truthfully. I had mentally prepared myself. If anyone had enough guts to ask the question, they should be rewarded with the truth.
Now my family isn’t known for being affectionate. Yes, we hug. We physically pick at each other…But you won’t see the couples in our family hugged up on each other, holding hands, or giving each other goo goo eyes across the dining room table. I don’t know why that is, why romantic affection isn’t seen, but family affection is, but it’s the reality of my life. Perhaps that’s why my relationships with women were never obvious.
My family knows now. At least, I think they do. I don’t discuss my relationships with them, but that has more to do with me being private than me hiding anything. When I was home last, one of my cousin’s asked me why my engagement ended. That was more than a decade ago. That tells you how much I share about my romantic relationships.
Over the years, I’ve met families of the girls I’ve dated. Mothers, Grandmothers, aunts, siblings… Only one girl, out of…however many…Actually introduced me as her girlfriend. The others were not out. Were too scared to come out. Did it bother me? Yes and no. These girls were living hundreds of miles from their family like me, so it made it that much easier to deal with. Out of sight, out of mind. It’s a lot easier to deal with a problem, when you’re not confronted with it on a regular basis.
It’s been a long time since I’ve been in a relationship with a woman I wanted to introduce to my Mama. As I think back, none of the girls I’ve been involved with since the conception of this blog were worthy. The obvious exception is my Sugar. I asked Mama last year, if I were to marry a woman, if she’d come to the wedding. She said something along the lines of having to check her out first. When I told her how close their birthdays were, she said, “I like her already.”
Sugar never got the chance to meet my Mama…(pausing while I grab some Kleenex)
The weekend I was in Houston was Mother’s Day weekend. Of course, I met Sugar’s Mama aka GG. I hugged her on sight and it felt like the most natural thing in the world. As I sat across the table from them, I stared into Sugar’s eyes, then looked at GG and saw those same eyes. My heart broke a bit as I realized that’s something Sugar would never get to do.
Mother’s Day brunch was easier than I expected, but still hard. That was the day I was to leave Houston. I was more focused on the pain of leaving than what the day actually meant. Either way, I had good reasons to be sad.
After the brunch, we were standing outside and Sugar’s kid sister said something about Sugar being sexy or not being sexy. I don’t remember the actual verbiage, but I remember wrapping my arms around her. In public. In front of her family. They barely looked up. Sugar’s grown. It’s not like I’m the first woman they’ve ever seen her with. For me, it was the first time I’d been affectionate with a woman in front of their family. The first time ever.
I know I rambled, but there is a point I am trying to make. The people that are important to you, your friends, your family deserve to see you in a happy relationship. They need to see that someone besides them loves you and have your best interests at heart. That doesn’t mean you’ve got to be all over each other. It’s it clear in your eyes and theirs. When you hide or even downplay your relationship, you kinda rob them of that.
At some point over the weekend, one of Sugar’s brother-friends, said to me, “Thank you for making my friend smile.” A simple statement that I’ll never forget. It made feel good to know that I added something to Sugar’s life that was so visible. I make her happy. I make her smile. People can see that. Wow.
I’m still rambling, but I just wanted to give some of you that are still closeted a different angle. Especially if you’re in love. I know it’s hard. I’ll never say it isn’t, but I hope this is something to consider…
Really enjoyed this one. I envy you. Melissa and I are accepted by most but few, if any, get to actually see us affectionate. In any way. It’s my fault. I care too much about making others uncomfortable. Stirring them up. Making them uneasy. I suppose that would open me up to the disapproval that I fear they really feel. If I don’t rock the boat then all is well. But, in the end, who does this hurt? Hhhhmmm. Something for me to think about.
Them being uncomfortable with your relationship seems like a personal issue to me… Yes, who does this hurt?
Great to know that you are doing well!
Ohh, Puppy, I’m so happy for you!
I don’t believe my mother ever got to see me affectionate with a partner, though it had nothing to do with gender, simply that she never even accepted ME, as a person, until long after I’d last had a partner, and her judgmentalness for me automatically extended to whomever I was with.
I know it must be hard that your mama won’t get to meet Sugar, but I’m thrilled that you felt an instant bond with HER mama.
Love you, Pups, and I DO expect THIS mama to meet her!
It does my heart good to know that you are happy and doing well. I wish you both the best! I needed this post. I’m sure I’ll refer to it in the future.
Today, I’m out to all of my friends and my fave cousin. I’m honest w/ new people that enter my life. I’m hoping to share my truth with my mom, soon. She’s the only person that I truly feel deserves to know. I’m beyond private, in general. I’ve done the hiding thing and it wore on my spirit. Neither I nor my ex were ready to be out then. So we each lived double lives. I lived in another city then. She was older, it was my first real relationship, I followed her lead. The longer we were together, the more I felt like a fraud. The more distance I created from my friends and family. I hated not sharing my love for her with those I cared about but refused to lie to their faces (we turned out to be incompatible in other ways so I’m not mad it ended but yeah, anyway). That was 3 yrs ago. I’ve been forced to grow up a lot since. I know, now, that I don’t want to do that ever again. Ultimately, I believe that my mom wants see me happy…filled with joy. I’d want her to get to know whatever woman is willing to try to keep a smile on my face. It’s a beautiful thing to be able to share that love with others. A blessing, really.
Thanks for this. Thanks for being you. You keep me hopeful.
I am happy for you both.
This was a really beautiful and meaningful post! So much so, that I emailed it to my partner because I wanted her to read it. She is the first woman that I ever introduced to my family, not because of being in the closet, but I because she was “the One.” I am from a large family that is reasonably close and loving, but I could have never prepared myself for the way the embraced and welcomed my partner from the very first meeting. If my mom calls, she asks how my parter is doing or to speak with her. If we have family events (which are out of town for me), they always ask if my partner is coming. She’s even survived Thanksgivings and Christmases with my family.
Like you, I don’t make a special effort to discuss my love life, but I am happy to answer anybody’s questions…just so they get the right answers. I actually get very few questions. They see how much she loves me and how much she simply cares about me. And they love her for it because they love me too.
Thank you so much for sharing your experience and your wisdom. I hope a lot of your readers take it to heart and clean out what may be an unnecessary closet.
Namaste,
K