Rob: How Did I Get to This Place
Rob is the type of person I rarely run into. A openly bisexual black man. He’s got a way with words too, so check out his blog after you read his story…
Alix wrote to me and asked if I do this guest blog and say a few things about being a bisexual man – and it’s my honor and privilege to share this with her readers. The best place to start is at the beginning, so sit back, get comfortable, and let me tell you how I got to be bi.
I had my first piece of pussy when I was eight – it was a birthday present from a 16-year-old and happened during my birthday party, in a big closet of the apartment we lived in. She was the first person to suck my (then) little dick and showed me how to put it in her and how to move up and down. I wasn’t sure what the hell was going on… but it felt good and it was nice and since it was a very naughty thing to be doing, well, that made it better. But that day seemed to put me on a path and I found myself asking the neighborhood girls if I could do “it” to them and if they said yes – and a lot of them did – it was on.
During the summer of my ninth birthday, I had my life changed forever. I was at home, my father was watching me and him and one of his drinking buddies were just sitting around talking about shit and drinking up a storm as I played. At one point, they ran out of booze and my father volunteered to go get more and asked his friend to keep an eye on me; he agreed and my dad left.
A moment or two later, the man asked me if I’d like to make some money and, well, what kid wouldn’t? He said he’d give me $20 for doing something; he reached in his wallet, pulled out a crisp $20 bill and, with dreams of all the candy I could buy, I took it. He then dropped his pants and I got my first look at an adult boner and, wow, it was impressive-looking. He leaned forward and gently pressed his cock against my lips and gently said, ”Open for me…”
Okay, bells started going off in my head because I had heard that boys weren’t supposed to do this with other boys… but I had $20 in my hand and I opened my mouth out of sheer curiosity; his knob slipped into my mouth and I was immediately caught up in the taste and feel of a man’s dick as he gently fucked my mouth. Of course, I had a lot of saliva in my mouth so I swallowed and my tongue just automatically played against his prick – he liked this and probably said something about doing that again – but I wasn’t really paying attention because this was a wonderfully weird feeling.
A few moments later, he came in my mouth and I swallowed his stuff more out of self-defense than a desire to do so – but, damn, it tasted weird but good and, later on in my life, I knew I was hooked at that moment. He then paid me another $30 to put his dick in my butt cheeks and, holy shit, that’s $50! I was rich! I’ll say that he fucked me in the ass even though he didn’t really try to enter me – and now there’s some new and delicious feelings happening. He busted his nut, helped me clean up, and by the time my father came back with the booze, it was as if nothing had happened.
From there, well, I went insane with this new thing! It turned out that I wasn’t the only kid in the hood with a taste for doing this and it wasn’t all that unusual for our little “gang” of guys and girls to hang out in our “clubhouse” – an abandoned apartment building – and spend time having sex with each other and in every way we could do it. It wasn’t unusual for us guys to get together and play doctor and sticking our “thermometers” into each other’s mouths and asses – and with penetration. No one was busting a nut yet so we’d just do each other until we got tired, stop for a breather, and do it some more. A week or so after I got introduced to dick, I was fucking my first “girlfriend” and it was all going good when all of a sudden, I didn’t feel good; the room was kinda spinning, my heart was racing and my mind was all over the place. Something slammed into me… and I knew I was dying because I was being assaulted by feelings I’d never had before.
But, just as fast as it happened, it went away; I pulled out of the girl and she was really happy. She kissed me and pointed down between her legs and said, “Look at what you can do now!” I looked… and saw a whole lot of some yellow-white… stuff coming out of her and I somehow just knew that this was the “baby making stuff” I’d been hearing about.
Because I was the first of us to be able to do this – and I hadn’t turned 10 yet – it made me popular with the kids – and especially the girls – and all this did was add an extra dimension of fun to all the fucking we were doing with each other.
I guess it was a week or so after my tenth birthday when my father unknowingly added the final piece of the puzzle for me by telling me to never put my mouth on a girl’s pussy. Bad thing to say to a kid as curious about sex as I was– and one who’d been fucking and busting nuts like there was no tomorrow – and then he never said why I should never do this – so, ten minutes later, I went and found a girl and put my mouth on her pussy – and it was fucking wonderful… and she thought so, too.
It wasn’t hard for me to figure out that I liked pussy and dick but the word “bisexual” wasn’t in my vocabulary although I did know what a fairy and a queer was, two things I didn’t equate to what me and the boys would do a lot of because, duh, I wasn’t going around acting like a girl like some guys I saw!
My whole life to that point was about sex – and I didn’t care about who I was doing it with. Sure, I knew I wasn’t supposed to be having sex at all, which all that did was make the danger of getting busted very thrilling. I had no real concept of sexuality like I do now; all I cared about was that it was fun and it didn’t make a difference if it was a boy or a girl – to me, everyone was fair game. Between the ages of 9 and 14, I had had more sex and in more ways than most adults – and I took the things I was learning with deadly seriousness, too.
What I instinctively knew was that there was a part of me I shouldn’t let a whole lot of people know, something that popped into my head when I started junior high school. It didn’t stop me from getting dick or pussy but now that I knew what a faggot was – and how they’d get beat up in school – yeah, better to keep quiet about it, huh? None of this was a problem for me, although I kinda struggled with that right and wrong thing – but not terribly so – but.
During my first year in high school, I did a dumb thing: I let a man talk me into going home with him; he drugged me and raped me and he was really having his way with me… but he didn’t account for whatever he doped me with wearing off – and I have a terribly nasty and vicious temper and, oh, yeah, I was learning judo and karate and I used these deadly skills to whip his ass like no one has ever got beaten before. I bloodied him, broke bones and fractured others – then tied him to his bed and left him to die – yeah, it was like that, trust me.
I didn’t tell my mother about this, mostly because she might not have believed me and, well, it was something I really didn’t want to say to her because of the humiliation I felt. Oddly, I didn’t blame the man for victimizing me – I blamed myself for being stupid and setting myself up for it. It did put my activities with men on hold for a while, except for a couple of instances… but it made me very aware that this duality about me wasn’t all peaches and cream.
I got over my rape; I had bit the bullet and analyzed every aspect of it and despite he took me against my will, I also had to admit that the sex was off the hook, from sucking him off to being fucked by him; to him sucking me off and having my dick in his ass and that I wasn’t exactly in control of myself fucked with me – that and my abject stupidity – well, I learned something.
Didn’t put an end to my sex with men thing and when I could do it – and safely – I did… but now I’m really thinking about what the hell I’d become. By the time I got out of high school and into the service, not a whole lot had changed except I was being more careful about what guys I played with. Having a gay roommate in the service was like gravy; we were lovers but I was still getting my fair share of pussy and it was acceptable and my philosophy about my sexuality was beginning to take shape.
Now, my girlfriend through all of this, who I met and fell in love with when I was 15, knew this about me but didn’t really agree or disagree about it. We got married as planned and life went on. For quite a while, I went without having sex with a man, not because she forbid it – I was too into my job as husband and father although there were times when I’d manage to run across a guy and we’d do it and on about our business. It wasn’t until I fell in love with a gay man who (1) was on the prowl for me and (2) wound up living with us ‘cause he was a friend and homeless that I actually and officially asked myself, “Am I gay?”
My “affair” with this guy changed everything for me about my sexuality and, one night after making love with him, I confessed it to my wife – I came out, so to speak – and waited for her to lose her mind, take the kids and leave me. But, she surprised me; after I spilled my guts, she said that she suspected that me and him were having sex… and she thought it was cute – her exact words.
I spent the next two years hashing out this shit with my sexuality; some of it I looked at didn’t make me feel good about myself but, eventually, I finally decided that I wasn’t gay, didn’t like guys like that and a lot of that was because I’d happy bang the old lady as if I never touched a dick.
Because we later decided to have an open marriage – her idea – it opened the doors to a lot of things, allowing me to get all the dick and pussy I could handle as long as I obeyed the rules we had in place and, well, my sex life got really interesting after that – but now, my philosophy about sex and sexuality had been formed and I’ve spent the ensuing years fine tuning it and refining it until I got to where I am today: I am bisexual and I have no reason to hide or be ashamed of what I am.
All I can say is “wow”. Thank you for sharing.
You’re welcome, Tish. I’d ask you and anyone else who’s read this not to be disgusted or anything like that because I’m not; I also suggest that you not think of this in modern terms because how we think of such things today did not apply back then. And while we can have a really interesting discussion about right and wrong, the thing I try to call to everyone’s attention in this is the differences between now and then – and there aren’t many; it’s about culture and environment and simple human behavior.
KDaddy23 recently posted..Makes Me Insane
Unbelievable! Wow, Rob….wow!
It is so liberating to know yourself and understand yourself. And to the rest of the world, it’s like…”Fuck you; I know who I am and I don’t have to convince anyone else of it.” My hat’s off to you.
After you were assaulted by your dad’s friend, did it happen again? Or was it just the once? DId your dad ever suspect afterwards that his friend was a pedophile?
Amaya Radjani recently posted..The Hunt (2/?)
He wasn’t a pedophile – he was just drunk and horny and, to my shame, I made a lot of money off of him and quite a few of that group of men – word gets around. It was easy to explain the money because it was no big deal for us to run errands for the other adults in the hood and get paid for it.
Now, one of the things I wondered about – but never asked my father about – was what took him so long to go to a liquor store that was only 1/2 block away. At first, I thought I had gotten set up – but that wasn’t the case. One, I had originally figured that he just got waylaid either going or coming – his “boys” hung out in front of our apartment building because of the shade and the wall they could sit on.
Two, the man who “introduced” me confessed that the only reason he did was he was drunk and horny. And, no, I never had the sense that I had been molested nor did I ever blame the man for it – in fact, I’m really thankful that he did, if you know what I mean.
KDaddy23 recently posted..Makes Me Insane
Rob,
Thank you so very much for sharing this with me. I can’t lie and say that this didn’t disturb me… I just can’t imagine any type of sexual act happening to/with someone so long. It strikes me as odd that you describe your first time with the girl as sex. With her being twice your age, I would still say you were violated because you were too young to know better, to know what you were consenting too. I’m curious about how you feel about that…
Alix recently posted..Rob: How Did I Get to This Place
It never bothered me, Alix. If I look back at that time as an adult, well, we’re not gonna talk about all the laws that got broken, are we? I spent years going over those early years of my life and while I can, in retrospect, say that, yeah, it was highly irregular, at the time – and we’re talking the early 1960s – well, that’s how it was. The girl gave me her body as a present because it was the only gift she had and I remember her telling me this, but not understanding it until later.
Yep, some of us get introduced to sex at an early age and in ways that are sordid – no other way to put it. It is a fact of life and while we go out of our way to deny or look the other way or even get outraged, it changes nothing. I have zero regrets about it; I have no angst about it; hell, I wasn’t really angry with the guy who raped me – and probably because I tried to kill him – but was more angry with myself for being stupid and falling into his trap.
I accepted it early on and I can easily see now that had I not done this, I would be a basket case today, maybe even tried to kill myself, maybe even have succeeded. Perhaps it speaks ill of those times – but it is also a testament to me to have adjusted so quickly because I realized that except for the rape, nothing happened to me that I didn’t allow to happen. I knew enough to tell the man no and I didn’t – money talks, bullshit, well, you know the saying. Did I feel bad about whoring myself? Yep, I did but that, too, was a choice I made even if it was simple kid logic: If I do this – and I like doing this – they will give me money. But that’s the adult feeling bad about it, not the horribly intelligent kid I was at the time.
And, remember my words; I didn’t say I didn’t know what was going on with the girl – I said I wasn’t sure. And if you want to nitpick it, what I consented to was her giving me a special gift, as she put it, which turned out to be pussy. My parents were diligent in that even at 8, the warnings about sex were mentioned so it’s not like I didn’t know – I just had to put 2+2 together, like it was easy for me to figure out why they stopped bathing me and my sister together in the tub.
KDaddy23 recently posted..Makes Me Insane
Oh, and it’s okay if you have questions or comments and you want to email them to me; if you ask, I will answer.
KDaddy23 recently posted..Insanity
Wow… wow. Seems like your life has been a helluva ride, thanks for sharing!
You’re welcome, Courtney! Yeah, my life’s been fun. It’s interesting to be able to look back and see the road you traveled to get to where you are now… and if you’re gonna do something, well, if it’s exciting, that’s so much better than living a dull existence, huh?
See, we have things happen to us and we tend not to examine them and get them to make sense so we can move forward on a positive note. My initiation came early – but not unlike the way others get introduced; the thing is not how this happened but what you do after the fact – you can make it a good thing…. or you can let it destroy you – guess which one I did?
KDaddy23 recently posted..Insanity
Amazing story. Surprised that you would share that with us.
I’m going back to the fact that you were 8 and 9 during your first sexual encounters…do you look at is as someone taking advantage of you? or rape? Just asking.
This by far was interesting all the way thru. But aren’t you lucky to have someone who loves you for you?
Sunny recently posted..Thankful
This is a very sad story that made me tear up. I read this post while thinking of my 13 year old son and was so overwhelmed with emotions. I am happy that you were able to have an open heart for the people that violated you and you came to peace with who you are sexually. I am a gay woman who understands the issues of accepting who you are and being comfortable with yourself and society. However, a 16 year old girl and a grown man knows the difference between right and wrong. To say this girl gave you a “special gift” and the man was just “drunk and horny” is, in my opinion, justifiying their horrible behavior. There is absolutely NO excuse to harm a child. I agree that the 60′s was a time for free love and open sex, but not with children
You mentioned your mother in this post and I can’t help but wonder if this was something she knew about? and if so how did she handle it?
Wow. All I can say is wow. What a story! I’m really glad that you have found yourself and your place in the world. That’s a difficult thing to do, and it’s very impressive!
Kudos!
PLBND
GreyGirl
GreyGirl recently posted..A little bit about me
Oh my goodness! This story seems so outrageous, but honestly it’s prominent. Most children are curious about sex, but the way they are exposed to it can make a world of difference in their lives. Whatever his journey, the important thing is to be comfortable with who he is. Thanks for the share!
When you say that you had an open relationship with your wife.. how did you go about agreeing? Is it because you wanted to explore sex more with men or you didn’t care one way or another? When you were younger and your father friend paid you to have sex with him…You didn’t feel some type a way about him going around and saying this to other people? And last question…. How did your parents not hear it?
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