The Look
The first time I saw her she came out of the train station and walked by me down the street. I noticed the Chucks she wore with pin-striped trousers, a button down blue shirt with a white collar, and a messenger bag. Her long straight, blonde hair was pulled into a ponytail hanging down her back.
I took one look at her and categorized her as gay. She didn’t have an extra switch in her hip. In fact, she sauntered more than sashay. There was something masculine about how she handled herself, even though she didn’t look like a stud/butch. You ever seen women that just scream gay? It’s almost as if they have it written across their foreheads in bright blinking lights.
I’ve seen her quite a few times since then, but she wasn’t alone. The first time I saw her with him, they were in identical outfits. I was sitting on the train with them. The way they interacted they looked like friends or family. When our stop came, they were walking in front of me. He leaned down to give her a kiss, then they went about their separate ways. It shocked me. My first thought was, “She’s not gay?” Then I thought maybe she is and doesn’t know it.
I checked myself this morning when I saw them. I hate people making assumptions about who or what I am based off of my physical appearance and here I was doing the same thing. How many times have I heard, “You don’t look gay.” “You’re too pretty to be gay.” You see where I’m going with this? When people say things like that to me, I always ask them, what gay looks like…
…Yet, in my mind, I have a stereotype of how gay looks to me. How can I get mad when someone categorizes me, but here I am doing the same thing.
Besides, how does gay look?
That’s why they call is gaydar — it’s more than a look. How would you describe what gaydar is? I don’t think I could, as it crosses looks into some kind of feeling. I don’t think you can be considered to be pre-judging just because your gaydar goes off, but even gaydar can have glitches!
You make some really good points here. And as a more feminine “you don’t look gay” lesbian, I feel you. The thing is, we categorize by nature. We’re always sizing up, scoping out, and pinning down people. We can’t help it. I think all you can do is be cognizant of it, and be careful of how you allow it to affect your disposition and your actions.
On a different thread, I personally would have thought that girl was gay too! But I think, for me, it’s more that I’d be hoping she was. I see a good-looking, gender-norm-obliterating woman, and I guess I just hope she’s one of us. I don’t often think of myself as belonging to a group, but when it comes to sexuality, given the way being gay is viewed, and the anxiety that intolerance brings about, I am comforted when I see a member of the club around town. It makes me feel like I’m not alone, like I’m never alone. But maybe that’s just me
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I’ve always wondered how some people could tell someones sexual orientation just by looking at them. I understand that some people make it obvious, but others don’t. I’m curious, do you have any signs that you look for or notice that tell you certain things about a persons sexual orientation? If so, what are some of those things?
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That sounds like my answer should be my next post. Stay tuned!
I’ll be on the look out for it.
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How does gay look? I equate that with, “How does (one’s age) look?” Who really knows for sure. My gaydar only works 40% of the time, and normally because I don’t really pay attention to such things unless it’s pointed out. There are some women I know where it’s obvious, and then there are others where it was an interesting side note to learn. But it is in our nature as women to scope each other out, for whatever reason. It’s hard not to do it; I chastise myself frequently about pre-judging, and it is a constant battle for me.
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What you are doing is completely different than what people do to you when they say you are too pretty to be gay. You’re checking out a chick who sets off your gaydar, not giving a backhanded/bigoted compliment.
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I concur with “gaydar”. We say the word “look” but I think what most people mean is “vibe.” We get a vibe off a person, which is something more primitive and instinctual than fashion and such.
I think we forget that we’re also animals, that we give off scents and heat. Even more importantly, we can pick up on that. It’s like smelling desperation or denial coming off someone else in waves. They may look successful and well-adjusted, but something about them just gives off a vibe.
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I too find myself categorizing folks. Most of the time I am right, but there are times when I am totally wrong.
I always get, “you don’t look gay”. I have been gay since I have known myself…never been attracted to men, but for some reason people don’t see that when they see me. I guess that’s why they say, “don’t judge a book by it’s cover”.
I just love this blog.. everything that you post are things that happen to me. Im alwaying asking “is she or isnt she” when I see a girl that looks like she may play on team GAY!
I too get the “you dont look gay” and my response is just like yours “what the F does gay look like???” I think its more men who say that than women. Men see an attractive put together women who doesnt want them or their kind and they come up with the dumbest things to say. GEEZ!!
I am always told I don’t “Look gay” I believe when people meet you it is 99% in their nature to toss you in categories. Categories are how we become comfortable with a person or a situation, and without those labels, we don’t know what to think of them… I believe it is a human condition that can’t be helped. What I have challenged myself to do is not hold them to that categorization OR at least not feel surprised once I do find out otherwise.
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It’s hard to explain what “looking gay” is, but I do believe that sometimes it’s more than the look. I get the you’re too pretty to be gay all the time! However, I like having that bit of mystery!
KimRob recently posted..The Good Life
Gay doesnt have a look. I am 16 years old and attend an all girls high school in New York. When I transferred back to NYC from a boarding school things changed. When I first came to the school everyone classified me as a gay. Now a days people have no sense, yes I wear bigger pants and sport bra’s, but there is a reason behind all of those. I hate when people classify people under a certain category without knowing a truth behind them. Yes I am gay recently, but back then I was head over heels for guys.
Thanks to guys like Lil B and fashion statements like skinny jeans for guys, we can catch vibes all we want but we’ll never know unless we ask or witness a direct interaction with which to draw a more accurate conclusion. Knowing that there are butch women of every sexual persuasion, especially heterosexual – I gave up on trying to determine who was and who wasn’t long ago. It’s nice to imagine that every tomboy or butch oriented woman is ‘family’ but the truth is sometimes much stranger than fiction.
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I too get “you are pretty to be gay” or “I would never think that you are gay” stereotypes that people have are all the reasons behind these statements.. Don’t get me started on the who is a “man” or “woman” in the relationship…
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When people tell me I don’t look gay I turn my head to the side and say “oh but I am! Even when I don’t smile I’m happy!” Corny, I know but it makes them stop to think about what they just said.
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People have said the same thing about me..I don’t give off the queerish vibe..I just shrug. I try not to do that though. I hate to assume, I might ponder if someone’s gay but it usually stops there and I let others confirm what’s what. We think tomboyish girls are gay and frilly girls in petticoats are straight lol.. I like chucks and petticoats.
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LoL.. ME TOO.. just yesterday I wore my chucks with my banana republic trench coat…
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Gaydar might work with gay folks… but it doesn’t seem to work for bisexual folks all that much, that or mine is broken and need to go to the shop. You can see a guy whose “aura” screams “male” right up until he comes up and asks you if he can suck your dick. Likewise, you can see a guy whose aura suggests he might be down for some fun like that – and be dead wrong.
Hell, my best friend was into it… and for all the years I knew and grew up with him, I never knew that about him until he asked me one night if we could make love, some ten years after I first met him! I mean, how can you be that close to someone and not know it or even sense it? There’s just no sure way to tell because what might appear to be obvious is anything but.
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