What are the signs?
J at Up 4 Discussion asked: I’ve always wondered how some people could tell someones sexual orientation just by looking at them. I understand that some people make it obvious, but others don’t. I’m curious, do you have any signs that you look for or notice that tell you certain things about a persons sexual orientation? If so, what are some of those things?
Everyone isn’t going to walk around with their sexuality visible to the world. When you can’t simply observe the dude in really tight jeans, or the girl sagging hers, you have to look a little closer.
When my gay worker first started, he played the pronoun game. “I used to date someone and they…” He never referred to past or current dates using the words he, his, or him until he realized I was gay too…
The saying birds of a feather is true. Typically, a really feminine girl isn’t going to hang out with a group of studs if she isn’t gay. People tend to flock towards those with common interests. This applies even more to men. The average straight man will not surround himself with feminine men if he can’t relate to their lifestyle.
A former friend of mine, a straight girl, used to mistaken for gay on a regular basis. She’s a tall, broad woman with a strong personality. She liked to touch. Anybody. Male or female. It made no difference. She would make comments like, “Shawty had ass for days!” The only way you could really tell what sex she was attracted to was to watch her watch a room. She might see the big asses, but her eyes didn’t linger there. Her eyes would linger on the tall skinny man standing in the corner.
If someone were to see me alone, they would never guess my sexuality. I have been out at gay clubs and been asked if I was straight or bisexual. *shrugs I carry a men’s messenger bag. I rock a low cut. I have short nails. My everyday jewelry is minimal, no dangles. My style isn’t real frilly. I’ve worn dresses/skirts maybe 5 times this year. I’m typically in flats. My face is usually make up free.
I sound like a lesbian to me. What do you think?
When you’re trying to figure out if someone is gay, what do you look for?
Usually, I just wait for some aspect of it to come up; like, “My girl,” or “My boyfriend,” or any thing like that. I don’t look for any visible or invisible signs. I just don’t care about anyone else’s sexual orientation; it’s none of my business who they’re sleeping with. I just like hanging out with cool people. Now someone once told me that if I wanted to know if a woman was a lesbian was to look at her hands. Since then, I’ve looked at the hands of women who I know are gay and, for the most part, noticed similarities across the board: short, clean nails and strong, flexible fingers. But this isn’t a determining factor; you could just as easily find these characteristics on the hands of a heterosexual female.
I’m starting to ramble…
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I care! Not about everyone I come in contact with, but the people I interact with on a regular basis…yes… I want to know if I’m going to run into them at the gay bookstore, or if I should try to meet up with them at Pride or if they are going to cringe when I mention my girlfriend. Yes, I care.
I REALLLY want to know the answer.. I am a “femme” but NEVER get approached.. LoL.. I wouldn’t say I look like a lesbian. I am very friendly and open until I see someone I am attracted to. I then get all shy.. I can walk up and talk to anyone when it comes to business… I’m single and wanting to mingle y’all…
I’m bi and I couldn’t begin to tell you how to look at someone and figure it out. For me, it’s a feeling, hunch, intuition – something; it’s like you just know. I know when I’m talking to people I am studying their body language and listening for certain words or phrases – oh, it’s hard to explain. And I think you’re right; you just tend to attract these kinds of people like you have a big old sign on you that says, “I’m bi” or “I’m gay” and they’re the only ones who can see it.
For me the dead giveaway is when they step close and says, “Can I ask you something?” in a certain tone of voice – and now I know the conversation is about to get really interesting.
KDaddy23 recently posted..This Past Weekend
There is a particular way someone of the same sex has of invading your personal space that is very telling…
I’ve been told by a lesbian friend that I’m bisexual. But she told me most lesbians have short neat nails and there’s something about their commanding presence be it femme or stud. I get approached more by men asking if I’m straight than women. I don’t really see a consistent method of figuring it out. But I’m learning
Aside from the “obvious” signs of “homosexuality” I don’t think they are any concrete signs or tells of one’s sexuality. I think it is our demeanor and energy when we are attracted to someone that will give us an indication. We all perceive one another differently. Inside, I believe I am more male than female, and I do my best to wear this on my sleeve…but men still find me attractive… [that's so gay] and I have to remember that they are only responding to what they see; a female with breasts. I never pursue a woman unless I am 100% certain that she dates women. However, I know women who seek straight women exclusively, and I’ve always wondered how they were able to “pull” them into the life. What were the signs that made them feel confident enough to secure their prey?
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“What were the signs that made them feel confident enough to secure their prey?” I don’t understand lesbian women who only seek straight women. It seems emotionally and sexually dangerous. I think that masculine identified women who go after straight women do so b/c they equate the chase to “maleness.” And we all know how aggressive a male can be in pursuing a women (gay or straight). So the ones thought to be most off limits (i.e. straight women) bring higher praise and are a better trophy. MOST women that I’ve met are closet lesbians or bi-curious. The minority have been “strictly dickly.” Because of their successes (i.e. catching a number of straight women who are “going”), they are not threatened to approach straight women and are confident that she’ll say yes, or at the least, flirt back.
Lauren, that’s not so different from gay guys – or even some bi guys – chasing after a straight dude who’d rather punch them out before giving up the weenie to them. What I know about this is that some people are bent toward getting that which is very hard to obtain – like chasing dreams only in real time. It’s probably comforting to “target” a straight person, hoping for the best but knowing that they ain’t getting any of that.
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I myself in mixed, usually professional company play the pronoun game. Lol I observe others and a lot of times it what a person isn’t saying than what they are saying. I know plenty of straight women that are extra curious about the life…you know what they say about curiosity and the cat
Besides the obvious in a person’s look or language, I don’t think there’s a way you can tell. People consider me a femme and no one assumes I am lesbian. In my experience, I am better at spotting or “sensing” people with a “questionable” sexuality than I am with those who would openly profess their same sex orientation. A dead give-a-way for a woman is asking too may damn questions after you’ve old her your gay. Ever had a “straight” women air her dirty laundry after she’s become comfortable with you–especially after she’s learns you’re gay?
I dont think I can tell unless its a straight up stud (no pun intended) I never get approached because I do not scream gay..(and what is that supposed to sound like) I am attractive, I wear my weave proudly with kardashian curls. I wear light makeup, get my nails and feet done and dress pretty well. Even when I am with my girlfriends people still ask if Im gay. I recently met a stud at the my vets office and we starting having a general conversation and as soon as I said “my girlfirend and I” even she raised an eyebrow. I personally dont care of anothers person sexuality, but like Lauren said once a straight woman finds out shes all up in your business!! Why is that?? Thoughts?
Courtney, I’m a guy and I think I know the answer to your question. For one, if you’re a fine looking woman, there’s the immediate disbelief that you’re not “strickly dickly.” But if she doesn’t run screaming after you tell her what the deal is, she’ll be all up in your business because she wants to know what its like to – how did someone say it – do the munchy-munch but they’ve always been afraid to take the plunge for themselves.
How’s that sound to ya?
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and to Laurens first point, I too dont understand the lesbians that seek straight women. I agree that it only leads to emotional hurt. The stories Ive heard is the straight woman goes back to a man or will regularly cheat with a man. They are only interested in the thrill of being chased and courted but when it comes to the nitty gritty (doing the munchy munch), its a different story. No pure straight woman is wanting the kitty after years of having the sausage.. Not that its all about sex but eventually it’ll get there. I feel its a waste of time and energy to try and convert someone just to be disappointed. ok that was my rant for the night…..
Courtney, I happen to know that your statement about not wanting the kitty after years of having the sausage isn’t always true; I personally know four women who went from sausage to tuna with few qualms about it – and I was married to one of them and in a very interesting relationship with three of them. All were “pure straight” but three are now bisexual, one is now lesbian.
KDaddy23 recently posted..I Tried to Behave…
I know one of my friends told me she knew I was gay because I kept calling my girlfriend at the time my “significant other” and I stayed away from all he, she, her and him type words. Other than that, I am often told I don’t look like a lesbian. I am feminine, but not overly.. and although I do enjoy basketball shorts on an isolated occasion, I am far from the “stud”-ish appearance. In a crowded room, I am typically watching everyone… so keeping track of my eyes wouldn’t help either.
Great post.
It’s not always effective to tell by the way someone looks, but generally with women you can tell if they are trying to attract a man. If they are not and hang around a lot of lesbian women, she’s probably gay.
As far as men go…Gay men are usually not googly eyed when a hot woman comes around, and they are more attentive to details.
So hard to put my finger on it! This is a great topic.
KimRob recently posted..The Good Life
Thanks for responding to my questions. I honestly have never really tried to guess someone’s sexual orientation. If it was outright displayed or announced my mind typically doesn’t even wander there. I suppose that means that by default I presume that most people I come in contact with or see in the world are heterosexual. Until I am told otherwise that’s just what I make of it.
There are people that look a certain way that aren’t what we think and others that are just the opposite. We all are individuals and I believe you can’t really know someone until you take the time out to get to know them.
Up4Dsn recently posted..Random 7 w/ Sunny
You said it right, Up4; it doesn’t pay to assume anything about anyone. When I look at people, I see… people; if they’re more than that, well, that’s fine and if I’m interacting and really want to know about this vibe I’m feeling from them, I’ll politely inquire – that’s the only sure way to know.
KDaddy23 recently posted..I Tried to Behave…
I really enjoyed this discussion! I wanted to add that for me, a lot of times, I don’t have to guess or ask; somehow, they’ll find a way to let me know and I’m okay with this… depending on why they’re telling me this and I have no prior knowledge of them.
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