With every milestone in my life, I wonder about my mom. Is she proud of me? What does she think about this? Would see approve?
I thought about her a lot approaching my wedding. She kept showing up in my dreams in the background of my regular life. Just realizing she started showing up after my wife experienced the fiasco of telling her mom.
That situation left me feeling rejected. I cried a lot that day when my wife wasn’t around. I didn’t want to make this about me, and I was hurt, so I kept it to myself. I thought I had a good relationship with this woman, and her disapproval felt like a personal attack.
Maybe it wouldn’t have felt so bad if I wasn’t already feeling distanced from my own family. I had this feeling of not belonging anywhere. I felt anchored by my wife’s family, and that got dislodged.
On my wedding day, two people showed up with sunflowers. I do not like flowers, but I love sunflowers. Nobody knows that, though, and especially not the folks that showed up with them in hand. I believe wholeheartedly that was my mom.
Today, I was hit with memories of my mom asking me questions about my “friends.” I don’t know how I could’ve forgotten how comfortable she was talking to me about women I was entertaining. It’s easier to remember the bad things sometimes.