In 30 years, when I’m talking to someone about what life was like in 2020, I don’t want to forget how crazy the times actually were.
Our normal has been challenged. I wake up in the morning and I don’t go anywhere. I turn on my computer and see how I can contribute to my employer staying in business. My employer, in turn, helps me by providing resources to assist with maintaining my sanity.
Gas is $1.79, and the gas stations are mostly empty. I filled up before my employer told us to work from home over a month ago. I still have three-fourths of a tank. I don’t drive a lot in general, but this is unbelievable even for me.
Just before all of this started, my sister was hired by Amazon to work in their warehouse. She quickly pivoted to a job that was just as essential, but in an environment that was a bit healthier. I’m still scared for her because she has to leave her house every day to make money. I can very quickly put myself in her shoes because of my days in retail. This could’ve very easily been my reality.
My emotions have been all over the place lately.
I have really good days where my motivation is at a high and I’m checking things off my to do list. I’ll be dancing around the house with the fur kid. I’ll cook more food than I can eat, and I can fall asleep easily because I feel light.
Other days, I struggle to make it off the couch. Correction– I have a path between the bathroom, the fridge, and the couch. Those days I’m disgusted with my abuse of time. I lay awake at night annoyed with myself, disappointed by my accomplishments.
I’ve been spending a lot of time sorting through feelings. It’s what I do when nothing on YouTube or HGTV piques my interest. Bae and I are getting double doses of pre-marital counseling. We have a great licensed therapist that is so enthused to be working with us. We took an assessment that proves how great we are together. Our therapist says she’s never worked with a couple that doesn’t have any “needs improvement” areas before, so she has to be creative with giving us homework. Working with her has allowed me to see myself a bit more clearly—me as an individual and me as a component of this relationship.
Additionally, we had a session with our pastor. We attend a United Methodist church. I started there around seven years ago, and we joined together last year. Being partnered spiritually is something that I didn’t know I needed until this relationship. It’s important to us enough to ask our pastor to marry us despite the risk. The United Methodist Church doesn’t approve of LGBTQIA lifestyles…But my pastor does. I’m sure it’s inappropriate to call him a badass, but that’s precisely how I see him.
It’s hard to grow up in the church, to live an “alternative” lifestyle, and keep your faith. The feeling that how you love is somehow wrong is destroying. The belief that God has abandoned you is lonely. It’s a path that a lot of us go down and never find the light. That’s why my pastor’s support means so much, not just to me, but to the community.
I was engaged at 22 to a man, and even still, I can’t conjure my ideal wedding. I only know that it’s important that God and Bae are there. Nothing else matters.