Three’s A Crowd

Question: I love my girlfriend. Thats why I’m looking for advice instead of just leaving. But here’s the thing, She isn’t fair with me. I have to give example of the most prominent thing that annoy me.

Her best friend is not to my liking. My girlfriend and I live together and for some reason she thinks its ok to give her best friend [whom is a guy by the way] a key and have him sleep over her whenever he pleases. I tell her this is our life and your friend shouldn’t have to stay here. He is your friend but let him be just that not our roommate who lives rent free. She thinks I’m being unreasonable, that I should of known that they are they are “package deal”. I knew him from the beginning she says, I should have no problem to accept this. So then she says well he will sleep over when he goes out of town and comes back and leave early in the morning. That I have no choice in that matter. What the hell? Really?

I was so hurt on that. I don’t know what to say to make her see my view on things.

I love her though. So much. Help.

Answer: I immediately started wondering what the friend had going on that he would randomly crash at your crib. But then I realized that it didn’t matter. Any decisions affecting the entire household should be made by the people that live there. There needed to he a conversation about whatever he has going on so that you could come to an understanding and an agreement. Your votes are equal. One voice should not be louder than the other.

I would sit down with her and tell her how having him there makes you feel. I’d imagine that it’s not all about his presence, but your lack of control in your own home. Let her know that you don’t feel like an equal partner in your relationship and it hurts that she doesn’t seem to care about your feelings. You will have to express an understanding for the bond she has with him and have compassion for his situation. You can’t scream or fuss or cuss during any of this. You also can’t demand any changes because you don’t want to discount her feelings.

You’re in a tough spot, but you’re in love. If she starts to notice how unhappy this makes you, I believe she’ll take action. That means you must allow her to see how this situation makes you feel. She must be aware of how his situation affects your relationship. I have a hard time believing that her love for her friend outweighs her feelings for you. And if does, let them have the apartment and move on.

How Do I Get My Groove Back?

Why in the name of Womanhood have I not have the desire to sleep with anyone (female/male). My desire for men has disolved…. so have I embraced my sexuality …. but ok It has been 10 months…. the last time I chose celibacy it lasted 3 years and I am not going that route again! This is what I really would like to know is — How does one go about getting her groove back and getting back in the game?

Three years? You can’t hear me, but I am giving you a round of applause. The first thing I would like to know is why you want to have sex?

We’ve discussed your situation. You don’t have anyone you’re seeing regularly. That means there isn’t anyone out there that you have a mental connection with…So why are you seeking the physical connection?

I know you didn’t ask for the lecture, but I think part of the answer to your question is figuring out how you lost your groove in the first place. What happened?

Every time I’ve felt as though I lost my groove, it had a lot to do with how I felt about myself. It’s hard to be a major player in the “game” if you don’t feel as though you should be playing. The people in this world that are grooving and playing have confidence and feel good about themselves.

Now this might be a false sense of confidence. They may be faking it, but sometimes you have to fake it until you actually start to believe it.

Do something for yourself that is going to make you feel sexy. Do it simply for you without any thought of what anyone else might say about or think about what you’re doing. Please yourself. Do something that will make you think, “I got it going on!” Yes, I’m old. So shoot me.

You have to feel sexy before you’ll actually feel desire.

Once you really start feeling yourself (even if that means in the literal sense) slowly get back into the game. Take this new found sexiness and flaunt it. It’s your power. Don’t give it up so quickly. Be discriminate about who you play with next and maybe the game will last longer.

Am I to blame for their already broken situation?

Ok we all know the difference between right and wrong before I ever got the courage to casually flirt with my friend. I knew she was in a relationship and that they live together. I repeat I was respectful of their relationship. Well for some reason I believe my friend admitted that they were attracted to me. This is were the harrassment begings she would come into the store… casually pass by with friends and make snide remarks. Needless to say I became very alert whenever I knew she was in the store. Anyway as conversations, text and phone calls progressed. I believe she could tell that something was going on. To my knowledge she has not been told by my old friend.

However, this is irony of the situation we know both work for the same company in different departments. If there is a chance for her to brag or boast about what the girlfriend is doing or better do for her blah blah.

Lol, let’s just say earplugs are a godsend! Lately she is talking about leaving my friend to anyone who will listen. First let me say that there is no way in Hell would I tell my friend that information. Rule of thumb keep your mouth shut about what you see or hear concerning your friends partner. They will not believe you male or female! The female in question and I have a mutal acquaintance ( knew but do not know how close) I dont feel that she will tell or that she really cares. However, I was told not to mention them to this person. I understand and respect but this seems a bit of overreacting they were not told the details. I am a live and let live person. I am at a point to where this is the craziest rabbit hole that I could have walked in. ( 1) I want to continue to be a lady and ignore this individual without any type of confrontation. (2) How can I get my friend for blaming me about their already broken situation?

Oh and yes She still sends me text and the occasional call or visit? I feel that I have enough characters to write a novel! Help!

Well, well, well…

If you continue to ignore this woman, should she decide she wants to confront you, she will be the one looking like the ass. Keep it grown and classy. Your friend is delusional. I’m not sure you can get her to stop blaming you. She’s got to realize that she’s brought this situation on herself. If you have a friend that you are attracted to and can’t handle the attraction, then it is your responsibility to take yourself out of the situation. Why put yourself in a position where you could really mess up your relationship because your will was weak? The easiest way to keep yourself out of these predicaments is to avoid them. You’re single!! While you were aware of her situation, you have no obligation to her girlfriend, she does. It is her obligation to keep their relationship safe and if that means keeping her distance from you, then that’s what she should have done. If she doesn’t already know that, I’m not sure you are going to be able to convince her otherwise. Now, it may be time for you to take control of the situation. You may have to be the one to put the distance between the two of you to keep your life as drama free as possible. Someone has to be the grown up and think with their minds and not their hormones.

Am I the jumpoff?

So you and ole girl spending time.. After having a session, you wonder, what ARE we doing? Are we just fucking? And how does a lady begin to ask that question and still be thought of as a lady?

Are you the jumpoff?

“My jump off doesn’t run off at the mouth so much, My jump off never ask why I go out so much, My jump off never has me going out of my way, And she don’t want nothing on Valentines Day…” Joe Budden

jumpoff: A sexual partner who is seen as more than a one night stand, but less than a relationship prospect

Generally speaking, you know when you’re the jumpoff…

Have you ever interacted with any of her friends/family? She doesn’t want you telling anyone about her and she damn sure hasn’t told a soul about YOU.

Show up unannounced one day. If you make it inside it’s just so she can ask what you want, you’re a jumpoff.

There are no witnesses. Everything you do is in the privacy of your own homes. There are no pictures posted on facebook. No subliminal tweets about how she’s thinking of you. You don’t exist.

If you’re allowed to spend the night, she ushers you out before the sun is even awake. There’s no breakfast, no coffee and no good morning. She runs around the house making sure everything your brought with you, is taken home with you.

She doesn’t share her life with you. Your phone conversations are 15 minutes or less. You’ve never seen her baby pictures. You don’t know what she does at work all day. And she doesn’t know anything about you…Because she hasn’t asked.

If she was stranded on the side of the road with a flat tire, would she call you? If you were sick, would she bring you soup? Would you even ask her to bring you soup?

You are the jumpoff if there is no foundation being built for the future. It’s not really a question of asking her if you’re the jump off. Don’t ask her if yall are just fucking. Ask yourself. Then decide if you’re ok with that.

Heart throb? Never!!

How did you manage to meet your girlfriends? I am unsure how to really explain myself. I’ve always liked girls, but girls never seemed interested in me. So I want to date but don’t really know how to get the attention of someone I like. I worry a lot because it might be the way I like and girls won’t think me attractive. I’ve always felt that really beautiful girls could date whereas other girls – like me – couldn’t.

So I was just curious for your insight.

How did I manage to meet my girlfriends? During different times in my life, I’ve met girls different ways. When I was younger and spent a great deal of time clubbing, partying, and being overly social, I met girls wherever I went. Even though I am shy, I could always break out of it for a one on one interaction if it was someone I was really curious about. It could have been something as simple as making eye contact and smiling or something contrived with friends to get me an introduction.

I find now that it’s easier to meet women online. I’m less social than I used to be. When I go out, I see the same women. They are girls I’ve already dated or wouldn’t think twice about dating. Online the options are greater, but come with their own set of challenges.

How do I get her attention? Be friendly. Introduce yourself. I’m not suggesting you immediately walk up to a woman and ask her out. Start a conversation about something random. It’s important to be non-threatening or aggressive. After developing a bit of a rapport, give her your contact information and let her decide if she’d like to talk again. The key is to make it easy for her. If she contacts you fine, if she doesn’t. That’s still fine.

“…girls won’t think me attractive. I’ve always felt that really beautiful girls could date whereas other girls – like me – couldn’t.” So as soon as I read this, I started singing “Heart throb, never, black and ugly as ever…”  Biggie Smalls said it best. Looks don’t matter. Wait. Let me correct myself. Looks do matter, but only to the superficial. The average well rounded person doesn’t expect someone to have supermodel looks to see them as a potential mate… “You don’t have to be beautiful to turn me on…” Prince said it too and you know how gorgeous he is. It is so cliché to say that it’s your personality that matters, but it holds true. You have to allow someone the opportunity to get to know you to see what you can add to their life. It’s not an easy thing to do within a few minutes of meeting someone, but anyone that will immediately judge you on your physical appearance isn’t someone that should be seen as a long time prospect anyway.

I’ve dated women that could be rated anywhere between a 1 and a 10. When I first started dating women, I would meet these girls who pretended to want friendships from me when I’d tell them I was taken. Upon laying sight on my girlfriend, who was not the most pleasing to the eye, they would change their tune by trying to hit on me. I remember one girl actually said to me, “I just knew you girl was going to be so fly…Cause she’s your girl, but when I saw her, I mean, ugh…” I stopped talking to that girl immediately. I never told my girlfriend why, but the crazy part is that my girlfriend tried to get with her behind my back. Yeah. Anyway. What was my point?

Every girl I’ve been with has been wanted by someone other than myself despite what they may have been lacking in physical appearance, financial status, etc… Someone will appreciate you for you if they are meant to. There are traits about yourself that someone will find endearing even if you don’t. You know we are our own worst critic…